First of all, I'm so sorry if you're here because your
loved one is experiencing this type of loss.
My heart breaks with the number of women who suffer it, and I pray for them daily.
When your friend or family member is grieving, you just want to pour
all your love on them... However, if you've never experienced a miscarriage,
it can be difficult to find the right thing to do/say/give.
To try and help from my own experience, I've made an annotated list of ways to show love
so no matter which you prefer, there's an outlet for you.
Acts of Service
Bring Over a Meal (or Two)
Miscarriage, both the actual process and the healing afterwards, can take two to five weeks! It's exhausting for both mama and partner, and having this simple necessity taken care of is so appreciated, especially if they have little ones to care for. Find something nutrient-dense and easy to reheat to make it truly worry-free!
Volunteer to Do Chores
Obviously this may depend on how close you are with the parents, (I definitely wasn't feeling up to seeing people for a while...) but if you're close enough to see each other makeup-free and in pjs, then this is literally a lifesaver! Offer to come over for an hour or less to do some simple tidying. Just make sure mama knows you don't expect to be hosted, and she can literally just sleep if that's how she's feeling. This gesture will make her feel like a lady again, living in a real home and not a pigsty. That is so helpful for morale and healing!
Bring Over Groceries
Along the same lines as the meal idea, delivering groceries is wonderful! Especially when she's in the healing stages, when she's well enough to return to somewhat-normal but not quite feeling up for leaving the house, bringing groceries is an easy way to help a friend out.
Babysit
If your grieving friends have little ones, offer to take the kids to the park or have them over for a day. Mom and Dad need space to grieve and heal together, and giving them a little alone time is especially needed.
Gifts
A Spiritual Bouquet
Gather prayers from family and friends into a sweet spiritual bouquet, and include it in a card. Knowing that there is an army praying for you is a moving and beautiful source of support.
Heating Pad
You know how these things work wonders for menstrual cramps? Well, they are an absolute blessing during miscarriage too. Most of us have an old one lying around, but you can treat your dear friend to a brand new one to alleviate some of the pains. She will appreciate it, I promise.
Flowers
An easy, beautiful bouquet can brighten up this challenging time, maybe with a simple note. (Just make sure it's not a sympathy card... It's hard to bear the tragedy of losing a child, especially while the process is ongoing, and sympathies are difficult to accept until later.)
Spa Items
After going through something like miscarriage, everything feels out of whack. Your plans for the year have changed, your hormones are crazy, and you're in a lot of emotional and physical pain. Pampering items like a mask, lotion, candles (depending on lingering pregnancy nausea), an essential oils diffuser, bath salts, etc give your mama-friend an excuse to really focus on resting and taking care of herself, without needing to leave the house.
A Remembrance Item
I haven't met a single bereaved mother who doesn't love having some way of remembering their baby. For me, it's this painting of Our Lady holding Baby Jesus. I painted while I was unknowingly pregnant, and it has given me so much peace as I reimagine Our Lady holding my baby for me until I get to hold him in heaven. I'm keeping the original forever, but prints are available here.
I also love Liana Lane's minimalistic bereavement line, and
A Family Print Shop's Remembrance Collection.
Snail Mail
You can certainly give any of these in person, but there's something so cheering about receiving a gift-package or letter in the mail! Just something to consider, especially if she is still in the midst of the miscarriage process and may not want to receive in person.
Words of Affirmation
Here are some thoughtful and sensitive things to say in person, on the phone, or in a note. The goal is to help her feel that she is not alone, her grief is valid, and that you love her.
"I'm here for you if you need to talk."
She probably already knows, but the reminder can go a long way. You could also offer to put her in touch with someone you know who has gone through miscarriage too. Those conversations are so helpful and valuable when you're grieving a child for the first time.
"A lot of women go through this [or: so-and-so went through this too], and I'm heartbroken for you."
So, I'm a words-of-affirmation person, and this was weirdly comforting for me. I wouldn't expect that it could help because at first glance it sounds dismissive and like you're centering the grief on yourself. However, when phrased correctly, it's a reminder that there are people out there who understand what she is going through. Being in this kind of pain is incredibly isolating, physically and emotionally, and knowing that you can reach out to others who know what it feels like is incredibly heartening.
The second phrase shows your solidarity with her grief also, even if you've never experienced it. You acknowledge this tragic circumstance and make it clear that you are feeling pain with/for her also. There's something beautiful in having a friend meet you in your grief.
"The strength and love you are showing is admirable and beautiful. I admire your motherhood."
Let me just tell you, she does not feel strong or beautiful in this moment. You can acknowledge that by saying "you are showing" rather than "have." This compliment hits at the core because she truly is a mother to her miscarried baby. This fact can mean so much to her, because she doesn't have an outward sign of the inexplicable love that is motherhood. She feels it, but there's no baby to show it to -It's maddening. This phrase affirms that her maternal love is valid and beautiful.
It is also heartening to know that there can be love even in the pain.
"I said [insert prayer] for you today, and I will continue to pray for you, friend."
For some reason, making it concrete is really helpful. You're not just throwing out the generic I'll pray for you line, you're making sure she knows you are actually praying for her. This knowledge helps us to embrace the graces that come from your prayers more intentionally. It also shows you've acted for her, even if you can't be there.
"It's going to be alright. Take your time."
These words don't make it alright, but in the proper context, they can remind her that there is hope for physical and emotional healing, and it doesn't have to be tomorrow. On top of the emotional suffering, women can still experience lingering pregnancy symptoms for weeks after miscarriage, which she simultaneously resents and never wants to let go of.
The grieving process is important, and it should be allowed to take whatever time is needed. Meanwhile, you're waiting for her when she's ready.
AVOID THE FOLLOWING PHRASES
I beg of you. These phrases can be hurtful, and I cannot even tell you how many times I've been told some of them. Don't worry if you slip up, but just try to avoid these:
"At least you were still early on!" *face-palm*
"Some women can't get pregnant at all." You're right! I'll stop grieving now.
"Well, now you can drink!" I would rather have my baby.
"Are you back to normal yet?" Everything has changed.
"God is giving you more time and freedom. Enjoy it!" I mean, sure...
"When you're an actual mother..." I am.
"Now that you don't have a baby..." I do have a baby. You just never knew him.
Basically, the principle is not to dismiss her grief or make light of it.
Physical Touch
Hugs
I don't recommend embracing a miscarrying mama unless you're intimate friends. However, if you are close, then these hugs are literally the best. Let her cry a little with you, and just be there.
Back Rub
Again, this is more of an intimate gesture, but all of the muscles from your legs to your neck are sore and tired after miscarriage. You can just gently rub her back, or offer to give a full massage, whatever is comfortable for her. (Or you could suggest it to her significant other ;) Sometimes they need a clue.)
Place a Hand on Her Arm
This gesture makes an emotional connection, as well as indicating, "I'm here for you."
Quality Time
Quality time is pretty straight-forward, but after a miscarriage (or with anyone who's grieving for that matter), navigating the minefield of "Will she feel like seeing people today? Will she wanna talk about it or...?" - it gets a little tricky. To that end, this list is more about tips for spending time together rather than a list of things to do.
*Keep in mind whether she is an extrovert or introvert. As an extrovert, I was craving company, but felt unable to ask for it. I'm not sure if an introvert would feel the same way.*
Reach Out First
Don't wait for your loved one to reach out to you! Grief is generally so isolating, and she may feel uncomfortable asking for company. It can be as specific or open-ended of an invitation as you'd like, but the important thing is to show a willingness to spend time with her when she's ready.
Give Her an Out
Of course you'd like to schedule your meet-up in advance, but also give her the freedom for last-minute cancellations or changes. Feeling "up for it" literally can change by the hour (hormones and grief combined).You can make a tentative plan one or two days ahead, but also make a plan to receive a text or call from her the same-day, even an hour before. This will take the pressure off and encourage her to listen to her body and heart.
Offer to Come Over
Leaving the house requires a shower, getting dressed, driving, etc. Depending on how far along she is in the miscarriage process, those are just a lot to ask emotionally and physically. Offering to come over for coffee/tea is a fantastic way to meet her where she's at -literally. (Offer to bring the coffee and you're even more of a hero!)
Keep it Brief
Again, depends on where she is in the process, how extroverted she is, and how close you are to her... But I'd say let her know you're not expecting more than an hour. Especially earlier on, she will be super sleep-deprived and, not to be graphic but, losing a lot of blood. Those two things combined make conversation and concentration difficult. You're the best judge, but err of the side of brief.
do not be afraid to offer love to someone enduring a miscarriage.
It's an incredibly difficult time, and community support is needed more than ever.
Hopefully this list was able to get your brain working, and hopefully there's
an expression of love here that resonated with you!
May God bless you and your loved one 🙏🏼❤️
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Thanks for sharing this helpful list Rosalie. I am so sorry for your loss. I also had two early miscarriages in my first year of marriage. I don’t have the words to adequately capture the sorrow, pain, or isolation. God bless you and your husband♥️